I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
