In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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