I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
