I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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