Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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