it glows. i had to have it.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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