How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
