tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
