Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He did a backflip because drugs
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
