I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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