There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
