There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
