I accidentally had phone sex last night
I smell stomach acid.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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