Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
