Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
