btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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