Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
