i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
