According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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