my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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