We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
