The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
