When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
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The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
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Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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