If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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