I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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