GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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