I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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