My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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