my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
