so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
