dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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