I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
