you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
