So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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