I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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