Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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