His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
