I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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