Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
