I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize