i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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