I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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