I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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