I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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