I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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