Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
