Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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