glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
