oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
