I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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