Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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