i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
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Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
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I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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