I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
