My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
