We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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