I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
