Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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