I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
