It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
