Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
